Who are you now?

Losing your identity.

I lost it, completely, its like I lost my footing. I didn't know where I stood when your husband and best friend leaves to go home early. I lost it. I didn't know where to go, or what to buy at the grocery store or what to wear everyday. All my clothes reminded me of him. My life, my future and my past and my present reminded me of him. My day to day was messed up. My routine went from taking care of my children and my beautiful husband, to sleeping, staying awake, and weeping as I tried to fall asleep. Asking God if I could see him one more time, just for a minute. I didn't know how to be anymore.

I felt lost. Over the year of working through all the estate issues, moving, and selling things, which was not easy, and It hurt every time, I began buying new clothes and recreating my style, my look, and even taking care of myself a little bit. I believe the first year I wore the same sweats for a long time.

I starting feeling a little bit like whole again. Every time I did something on my own I wished he was here to see it, But it was feeling different. I was getting stronger.

Its been 2 years and three months. It does get better, the pain lifts, and perhaps walks beside you inside of in the center of you. But at times it runs a through you more intensely like never before.

I start a new job on Monday. I feel angry. He is not here to encourage me. He is not here to watch me succeed. I am alone. I don't want to move forward and be a new person, I am going to work with the widow label. I am a widow. I have suffered a great loss and I have become closer to God. I am a new person. I am starting a new job with a new identity. I don't want to. I just don't want to do it.

There are times more recently that I want to run back to the safety and familiarity of the past, who I was before, I want to go back to my old life, - a fisherman's wife living in a community called pleasant view. Working, and taking care of my boys.

I must move forward.

My Boys are growing up too. They are not young anymore, and need me less. I feel so apart from them, like I'm not a part of their lives anymore. There is a tearing of my heart there. One is graduating and one is going into high school. Also there is a spiritual battle for their souls. They go from one house back to mine. I am fully committed to the Lord Jesus Christ and following biblical principles and the other house is not. I can feel the heaviness they bring with them from that house. I pray for their souls. I am alone, Don understood these parts of my heart that I felt with them. He knew how to encourage me and make the house full of joy despite the difference.

That is hard. All of this is happening in the same week, same month, And the sadness is creeping in. It is a sadness that is in the depth of my soul. Its a different pain. I'm begging God to show me what to do, and comfort me and give me peace. I don't want to move forward. I want to go back.

But I can't stay here.

Read

Psalm 27

Psalm 25:20

Habakkuk 2:1

Ephesians 6

Pray

Dear Lord, I know your with me, walk with me through this next journey, and thank you for continuing to heal my broken heart. You are the God that heals. I trust you.

Sing

Jireh - Elevation Worship

Goodness of God - Jen Johnson

Worthy of my Song - Phil Wickham