Almost 2 years :(this can't be)-Radical Change

Radical Change

Luke 11:9-10

And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

Here I am, doing life, a new life. A new wine, and a new wine skin. I am more aware of God then ever before, and the holy spirit has moved in my life like never before. I feel hope and I feel peace that God has walked me through every single heart break I have had in this life and has ordained my new relationships and new life. He has placed me in this church for a reason. He has called me again. He has called me and renewed my spirit.

However,

There are moments when I want to scream at the new people in my life, I want to scream don't you know the pain I have been through, don't you know that I still miss him, don't you know that he was an amazing guy. I want to talk about him. I look for pictures to post of him and there are none that are new...and I am devastated once again.

I know this is normal, I know this is part of moving forward and grieving at the same time. It has been 23 months - almost 2 years since my Don went home. I have grown, I have stretched myself, I have become stronger than I have ever been. Don would be so proud of me. Don is cheering me on from the heavens.

These moments are common. I know that. This is normal and I am not sure how long they will last. I know that love never dies. I know that my love can go up to heaven. The grieving person is left here on earth to deal with pain and the gap of the ones that go before. We are the ones that must go through the pain and the moments that simply just take your breath away. The ache returns for a moment. I remember the first year, the ache was constant.

I ache when I must decide what to do with his pictures. I still have some up. I ache when I have to take the garbage out or shovel the sidewalks, doesn’t he know that is not my department! I ache when I hear people talk about something that Don loved, like fishing. I ache when there are family function, and he is not there. Every single one.

I still ache, but God has continually been healing the broken parts of my heart. I miss him, but I finally have hope that God still has my future in his hands. God wants me whole, and nothing can make you whole again like the goodness and mercy and the blood of the lamb. And I mean he physically has been building me up and making me whole again. With every word I write, every tear I still cry and every prayer & bible verse that speaks to me. With every new person he has sent into my life. There is a building of my heart, a renewing, a healing of the brokenness. I have begun to see God hands in all I have been through.

We don’t know why we have horrible things happen to us, but I know the one who never leaves you or forsakes you. I know the one who is the King who heals you. He is Jehovah Rapha the lord who heals you. He is Jehovah Nissi that means ‘The Lord is my Banner”, he is my protector. He is El Roi which means the God who sees me.

Don’t lost hope, feel the pain and then remember that he is healing you through every breath you have to take in the harsh world. I heard a pastor say this “Extravagant pain is fertile ground for radical change.” And he goes on to say; ‘don’t waste the pain, grow through it and choose Jesus’s healing touch as you do.’ I can say that if you ask him, if you allow him to, he will heal you, and there will be radical change.

Read

Jeremiah 23:23-24

Isaiah 43:1

Psalm 139:10

Psalm 17:8

Ruth 2:12

Psalm 91

Pray

Dear Lord of all my life, I know that you have called me by my name, and you have chosen me for such a time as this on this earth. Lord, I give you all my pain. I give you the hurts and the empty spaces in my heart of the ones that have gone before me. I give it to you, and even though that means I will still feel sad or still feel the ache, I know that you are carrying me, you see me and you will heal me as I walk with you. Thank Lord.

Sing

Scars in heaven – Casting Crowns

It’s Always been you – Phil Wickham

Mercy – Elevation Worship